Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
