Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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