I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
