My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
