Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
