I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
