My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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