In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
