I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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