Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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