There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
