so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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