so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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