i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
