i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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