So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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