dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
