he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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