I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize