Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
