I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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