You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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