Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
