If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
