The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
home. puking in laundry basket.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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