Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
