What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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