I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
