Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
