Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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