mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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