Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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