I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
