You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My breasts were aching with rage.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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