I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
