I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
