Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
