There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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