so explain again why im purple
no
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
