I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
