just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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