how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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