you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
