I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
