Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
