what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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