Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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