Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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