I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
