making cat noises will not fix the situation.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
