dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
