You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
