Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
