her vagina looked like bernie madoff
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
